Cambridge, UK
9.5
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behind the mask

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Tuesday 9.5.2000 15:36
The Orchard, Grantchester


Rustic plastic
So my grandiose plans of a 30-mile walk were scaled back a bit, with me popping into the village of Grantchester all of 3 miles down the river Cam, starting from the somewhat better known town of Cam-Bridge. The footpath isn't too remarkable, it has even been paved in some parts (much to the regret of my feet). The sky is overcast but it's still unpleasantly muggy, unarmed with any maps I didn't manage to locate the "Red Lion" (Lonely Planet seems to have a rather off definition of "near the river"), so I ended up at the Orchard tea-garden for a glass of home-pressed apple juice and a chicken sandwich with salad (bill: £5.20). Good stuff though, and the setting is pleasant, even if the cheap green vinyl deck chairs don't quite match the brochure's gushing about authentic Edwardian style. Who cares -- basking here in the sunshine feels so good that I'm in danger of falling asleep.
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And, of course, on the way back I immediately located the Red Lion: it's through the very first gate on the right when coming to Grantchester on the footpath, before the (more visible) Green Man. Calling it "near the river" really does require a stretch of the imagination...

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Tuesday 25.4.2000 18:24
Jesus's Pieces, Cambridge

[Ed. I first wrote "Random Park" as the location, but you have to admit that the real name is even more random.]

And here I sit in yet another large green park with trimmed lawns, square flowerbeds and young couples practising bad manners... plus, more atypically, a group of retired people in white shirts and gray pants (not to mention extremely good manners) kicking brass balls in some Anglo-Saxon variant of petanque.


Fields and fields
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The rest of Cambridge is jolly nice, much like a less megalomaniacal version of London's Westminster: all "tranquil, ageless picturesqueness" (just what the hell does that handy French adjective, like-a-picture, actually mean?). Jolly nice, jolly wealthy, jolly... stultifyingly boring? Oh dear, old chap, that's not quite q...

...but neither was Evensong at King's College Chapel, the famed choir's daily public performance that -- Lonely Planet strikes again -- "even the most pagan heavy-metal fan will find [...] an extraordinary experience." I'm still a pagan, but unfortunately I gave up heavy metal some 8 years ago, as it was too tame for my tastes. Yes, I was suitably impressed by the unearthly sound of prepubescent boys singing in harmony for about 5 minutes, after which the mistakes started to grate, the priest's sermons were inaudible and comic relief was provided primarily by one choirboy fainting and the congregation being baffled by whether they should be standing or sitting. I left a 50p donation out of pity.

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Oh yes -- Fitzbillies' famed "Chelsea Bun" turned out to be a relative of the humble Finnish korvapuusti (err... "ear wallop"?), a strip of cinnamon-sugar-raisin laced dough rolled up into a bun and, at least in the English version, liberally slathered with syrup. Yum!

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Tuesday 25.4.2000 19:16
A.G. Witherspoon Freehouse, Cambridge

By now I'm sure you'll be shocked -- shocked -- to learn that my bus is 40 minutes late. I went looking for a small pub for a beer and a bite to eat, I ended up at the largest pub I have ever seen -- my table is number 111 (that's one-one-one, not Roman III) and there's another floor upstairs. My steak & mushroom pie is supposed to appear in 5 minutes, if it doesn't my bus had better break down again before it gets to Cambridge (I'm told it left Birmingham 1.5 hours late!).
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Mm, mm, boiled meat, with brown gravy and llllotsa salt. And I even made it onto the bus.

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Wednesday 10.5.2000 13:54
Stansted Airport, Stansted, UK

The plane's 30 minutes late. Who woulda thunk it? At least I can console myself with the horoscope from a Daily Mail I scavenged:

If it feels as though you're the only one who is equipped to deal with exciting innovations on the work or travel front...

You bet! Why, this is obviously referring to the bottle of Schweppes' Sparkling Blackcurrant I just bought -- nobody else is drinking it, and now I know why!

...you must obviously shoulder the responsibilities in the way that only you know how.

On the behalf of the 500 million unique Virgos on this planet, who all shoulder the responsibilities in the way that only they know how, I would like to say that I'm touched.

However, you may be feeling a little too bombastic...

Who, me? And I thought you weren't supposed to use the "b" word at an airport!

...due to a sharp link between Uranus and your ruler Mercury...

HEY! What I do with Myanus is none of your business, buster! And that fairy Mercury with those cheesy wings isn't even my type... speaking of which, what's up with Venus these days?

...so do at least pay lip service to suggestions put forward by others.

Lip service!? In your dreams, scope boy. Go suggest yourself.

 
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